23: Oh! Sweet Nuthin

For the first time ever, I’ve begun writing “nftff” with a completely blank head. I did all these things over the weekend, and I’m struggling to find interesting things to say. I can always give you a blow-by-blow account of what I did, but I find that’s less interesting than when I just start babbling incoherently about: my lackluster love life; weird smelly men on the bus; the hookers in my neighborhood; Natalie from “The Facts of Life”. So you can imagine my dismay when I have a lot of activity to report but I have no compelling way of relating it. I’ll just have to do the best I can.

I saw the furniture of my dreams at Ikea Friday night. Which means that either my dreams and aspirations are all reasonably priced or greatly informed by Swedish culture and its furniture-making practices. I realize that being reasonably priced and being Swedish are not mutually exclusive (if that were true, neither Ikea nor H & M would exist — all Swedish fish candy would be wiped off the face of the earth), but I like my dreams simple. Like the pudding bar. Beer-flavored tobacco. And chunky-style water. I’m a simple girl with simple dreams, and my dreams are as follows:

  1. Win the lottery. I don’t necessarily want to be rich, but winning the lottery seems like such an impossibility that it would be nice to do it. And anyway, I’m sure it wouldn’t last for long, as I’m sure I’d spend all my winnings on expensives shoes and strippers in no time.

  2. Close down all mail-order bride services.

  3. Have dinner with Elvis — I know Presley is dead, but I will settle for Costello. I might have a brief snack with Elvis Crespo. Elvis Stojko is not to come anywhere near me.

  4. Take away Maria Tomei’s Academy Award — I finally saw “My Cousin Vinny” last year and she was not that good. And have you noticed that she is doomed to a career in mediocre films like other past winners of the Best Actress in a Supporting Role award? I guess that’s punishment enough.

  5. Declaring my birthday a national holiday. And if my birthday were a national holiday, the appropriate way to celebrate it would be to do the following:

    1. attend a screening of my favorite movie (“Imitation of Life” — the 1957 version directed by Douglas Sirk starring Lana Turner). Attending a dramatization of same teleplay by your local community theater would be an acceptable alternative. During intermission, episodes from my favorite television shows (“Degrassi Junior High” and “Degrassi High”) would be shown.

    2. eat my favorite food (shepherd’s pie, the spinach salad at the Silver

      Cloud, New England clam chowder)

    3. sing songs by my favorite musical acts: St. Etienne, the Beastie Boys, Elvis Presley, and Tammy Faye Bakker
  6. go salsa dancing

  7. chain smoke Nat Sherman Fantasia Light cigarettes

I sat with Gracie Saturday morning, and this was great. We played with her collection of plastic animals, drank mass quantities of apple juice, then went for a brief walk. She then passed out for three hours, which gave me plenty of time to watch the “Real World: New Orleans” marathon on MTV. When she came to, Maria & Jolanta had arrived to do the afternoon shift and impress her with better games to play. It doesn’t take a lot to amuse small children. For example, Gracie was perfectly happy to listen to me prattle on about my obsession with Lance of N’Sync. We then spoke to Elmo of “Sesame Street” on the telephone. It was a full day.

I didn’t always understand how sexy Brazilians were until I saw the Bale Foclorico de Bahia Saturday night. Picture it: 14 young Brazilian men and women dancing the samba and doing capoeira while clad in skimpy colorful outfits. It was almost a little overwhelming, and all I could do at the end was get up on my feet and dance in my seat. The dancers and musicians paraded into the lobby for their finale, where audience members were able to dance with the performers. Michael started breaking it down, thereby frightening the suburbanites who were unable to grasp the fabulousness that is Michael Yarbrough dancing to samba music. I feel sorry for people who aren’t down for the cause, the cause being to rid the world of sorry-ass people who cannot dance.

The Radical Faeries afterwards was less fabulous, even with the Puerto Rican fire-eating drag princess. There was no food served, and we were seated next to two yuppie couples who demonstrated that the language of camp is not universal. Also, it looked like the fairy godmother of style had never visited their house. It made me wish that everybody could be as stylish as my friends. The most annoying performer was a young girl named Sarah Bishop who ran around with flashing lights in her hand, doing some sort of balletic shuffling normally reserved for clumsy preteen girls. If you’ve ever watched “Absolutely Fabulous”, then picture Bubble running around on speed. Now switch off the lights. See? Annoying!

My weekend ended in a salmon-induced stupor, as I enjoyed a Supafriends brunch of lox, bagels, portobello mushrooms, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, and orange juice at Kevin’s. Then we drove out to Niles to see a matinee of “Charlie’s Angels”. The movie was fun — who knew that Cameron Diaz knew how to do the running man? I thought I was the only person left who not only knows how to do the dance, but will do it in public. Seeing “Charlie’s Angels” was a great way to end the weekend (and I’d rather end it there, as I got a small case of food poisoning later that night after dinner), though the most surreal part of the whole thing was seeing a van painted *exactly* like The Mystery Machine in Niles. I looked at the people in the car with me — Kathy, Jorge, and Kevin — and wondered if we were in for some wacky adventures of our own.

Happy Election Day! Happy belated birthday, Kim! I love you, and your present will be late this year. Again.




Kang: It’s true! We are aliens! But what are you going to do about it?

It’s a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!

Man in Crowd: Well, I’m just going to vote for a third party!

Kang: Go ahead! Throw your vote away!! HA HA HA HA!!!



Le Tigre — Friendship Station; Badfinger — No Matter What; Destiny’s Child — Bug A Boo; Madonna — Beautiful Stranger and Deeper & Deeper; Mos Def feat. Q-Tip — Mr. Nigga; Radiohead — Kid A (entire album) Joni Mitchell — Blue (entire album); Sleater-Kinney — Turn It On; Al Green — Take Me to The River








~ by Jasmine on November 7, 2000.

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