27: ". . . and then there’s the ho"

When I borrowed Maria and Jolanta’s drill, they were kind enough to include additional drill bits and extra tools, all of which were enclosed in the drill’s carrying case. A Phillips screwdriver, measuring tape, and a strange yellow plastic device that beeped when I pointed it at the wall.

The yellow device was a studfinder, designed to find studs in the wall so I would know where to hang pictures. For a brief moment, I considered taking it on a walk and pointing it at attractive boys to see how effective it was at finding potential boyfriend material. I reconsidered and took a nap instead. But don’t be surprised if, the next time you see me at the Pontiac, I’m packin’ the studfinder and lookin’ for LUV.

After a month of ordering takeout and eating soup out of tins, I went grocery shopping with The Bogart Monday night. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the Cub Foods store near me now employs people to bag up your purchases. The girl who bagged me was great — she packed up my groceries like a pro and managed to engage in a fascinating gossip session with the cashier in less than 5 minutes. “Wham! Bag! Thank you, ma’am.” Okay — that didn’t work as well as I thought it did.

I have a tendency to fall out into hysteric fits of laughter while engaged in the most mundane of activities. Grocery shopping, reading, watching television — I’ll be shopping for yogurt when the concept of chunky style water, or spicy breakfast cereal will just come out of nowhere. I’ve yet to have a truly bad idea — all of my ideas could work if given the chance.

I know that the audience for beer-flavored tobacco is out there. And tobacco-flavored beer. I picture Mason jars of tobacco leaves infused with beer, that would look something like the kind of olive oil or vinegars that you can buy in fancy food shops. It all goes back to the first time I saw peanut butter and jelly swirled together in one jar. So simple, yet so smart! I’ve even seen jars of peanut butter and marshmallow fluff mixed together. Elvis would have loved it, as those mixtures would surely make the gorging process faster and more efficient.

Sean and I checked out the Get Me High Lounge on Tuesday night, and it was wonderful. It was almost empty. The music was loud enough to drown out the sound of the other conversation in the bar, but not so loud that I couldn’t hear Sean as we discussed our future radio show. Sean and I are funny, but we can be hysterical when we’re talking to one other person.

So the idea is as follows: Sean and I have an afternoon radio show where we talk about current events, my sad love life, and “important cultural matters”. Additionally, we will have callers ask us for advice. Every day we will have a trusty sidekick or guest to add to the banter. Our first weekly guest will have to be Jacinda appearing as her superhero alter-ego, The Ex-Girlfriend.

The Ex-Girlfriend’s mission in life is to wreak havoc on the lives of horrible ex-boyfriends everywhere. She lives to humiliate an ex — hers, yours, anybody’s — in public or in private, especially with a new flame in tow. Her bible is Anita Liberty’s “How to Heal the Hurt by Hating”, a personal favorite of mine. Her battle cry, delivered in a “I’m obviously hurt but I’m not going to show it, you evil fucker” tone of voice, is “So. How are you?” She provides inspiration, solace, and joy to those of us ex-girlfriends who are struggling to get on with our lives. Occasionally, she teams up with The Ethnic Avenger (me) and The Hasidic Warrior (Andrew

Shoenthal) to fight injustice and evil everywhere (if you count gossiping on the phone).

I’m not going home for Christmas, so feel free to send all gifts and cards to me in Chicago instead of directing them to my parents’ hovel in Queens. I just might return to New York in the spring, but only if I can get a cheap fare to La Guardia. Flying to Long Island was a bit more trouble than it was worth, and there’s no way to justify spending as much time getting from the Island to Manhattan as you spent flying from Chicago to New York. Items on my Christmas list include:

1. a fur house

2. a diamond skillet

3. a president

4. Shrinky Dinks

5. the “Anne of Green Gables” and “Anne of Avonlea” video box sets

More to come later. And if you know where I can get 7 1/2″ x 1/4″ Chanukah candles for my menorah, please let me know.

Cheers,

Jasmine

“You’re suspect numero uno, pal. Every breath you take — every move you make — I’ll be watching you… That’s police talk.”

Inspector Sledge Hammer

*songs*

Neil Diamond – Cherry, Cherry & I’m A Believer; Outkast – Bombs Over Baghdad; Beth Orton – Central Reservation (album); Patti Smith – Dancing Barefoot; Basement Jaxx – U Can’t Stop Me (Stephen Emanuel mix); Elvis Costello – Accidents Will Happen (live acoustic); Saint Etienne – Goodnight Jack; Rod Steward & Tina Turner – Stay with Me (live); Patti Smith – Be My Baby (live cover); Eminem – The Real Slim Shady; The Pretenders — Mystery Achievement

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~ by Jasmine on November 16, 2000.

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