362: letters

1. a word from Jacinda

Date: Sun, 10 Jul 2005 23:07:45 -0500
From: Jacinda
To: Jasmine
Subject:crash this trailer

Dear Jasmine,
Joe says that with Owen Wilson hair, I look like Johnny Rotten. Ha ha ha ha ha! What I think, though, is that this TOTALLY proves that with man hair, we are the PERFECT all female Hall & Oates cover band. Imagine all the backstage p***y we are gonna get!


2. an e-mail exchange

Date: Mon, 11 Jul 2005 13:19:38 -0700 (PDT)
From: Jasmine
To: Jacinda, Thom, Kevin, Nadine
Subject: lucky!

story in the Trib about a guy getting to go to Scotland to interview J.K. Rowling about HP6

Date: Mon, 11 Jul 2005 15:52:50 -0500
From: Jacinda
To: Jasmine
Cc: Thom, Kevin, Nadine
Subject: Re: lucky!

Hmmmm, he’s lucky, but he’s also a little bitch. I mean, its nice that he likes himself and all, but damn, motherfucker, let’s take it down a notch. That kid honestly has a savior complex That’s the problem with home-schooling. When your mom is also your teacher, you end up being the teacher’s pet times 1000, with an ego to match. Someday that kid is gonna get a smackdown, and on that day I’m gonna laugh like hell.

Date: Mon, 11 Jul 2005 17:08:13 -0500
From: Thom
To: Jasmine, Jacinda
Cc: Kevin, Nadine
Subject: Re: lucky!

Don’t hate, Jacinda. You would’ve been “Tall, lean, and comfortable with [your]self” too, if you could take breaks from your Great Depression lesson to go to your room and masturbate to internet porn: “Mom! Leave me alone! I’m working on Mugglenet, and I will be for the next 5 to 7 minutes! I’m the best wizard, I’m the best wizard…”

Good thing that article doubles as a personal ad. The hottest part is when his voice gets higher when he gets all passionate.

He will get a smackdown, but unfortunately it won’t be the good Jerry Springer kind. It will likely come in the form of a B- on a term paper on Magic as an alternative fuel source. Big breakdown. And I will be there with mood stabilizers.

3. outtake from nftff 361 (if nftff were a DVD box set, this would be available in the special features, along with a karaoke game and a gallery of all the boys i’ve had crushes on since 1993)

So back on Saturday, July 2, when I was on my way to meet Khloé at Barney’s so I could sigh over the clothes I could not fit into, and she could sneer at the overpriced deconstructed suit jackets, I ran an experiment. I boarded the no. 36 bus, heading downtown towards Oak Street where I would get off, walk two blocks, and meet Khloé in women’s shoes at Barney’s. I had several seats to choose from.

I chose one next to an obese man wearing a tunic-like t-shirt. He had styled his hair into a puffy blond bouffant. He sat, his body twisted towards the front of the bus, on a pair of seats that face inward towards the aisle.

I sat two seats over, facing straight ahead and pretending to read The New Yorker. My experiment was to see if I looked any thinner sitting next to this considerably larger man. Of course, I couldn’t actually tell what I looked like, as I had no mirror to check myself, but I would guess that, no matter what the outcome, we probably made a pretty strange-looking pair.

4. something awesome

The late, great Eva Cassidy is no. 5 in Amazon’s 10th Anniversary Hall of Fame of musicians. The HoF lists the top 15 artists who have sold the most music through Amazon since the site started selling music in 1998. It is an unexpected pleasure to find her so high on a list ahead of the mainstream artists you would expect to find: Celine. Enya. Sting. Dave Mathews Band.

Eva’s voice is like nothing in the world — it breaks my heart every single time I hear her voice. But, like, in a good way. It’s so good that you will sit there, in front of your computer, listen to her clips on Amazon, and try to sing along as tears stream down your face. Oh, and she can make totally corny songs awesome: a perfect example of this is her version of ‘Fields of Gold’ (from “Songbird”, 1998).

4. advice from the maria, or the *it* factor

Date: Tue, 12 Jul 2005 16:46:18 -0400
From: Maria
To: Jasmine
Subject: RE: FF & podcasting

I guess the question is: What do you want the FF to be?

Is it a daily detail of what “jasmine is doing” or is it the reviewish/introspective column that incorporates what you and your friends are doing into Chicago life and whatnot. As your friend, sometimes it’s fun to just get the first, but sometimes you nail the second and it’s where (imho) you really get *it*.

5. response to maria’s question

I have no idea what I want the flip front to be. It’s fifth birthday is next week!

I should probably be more concerned about what to do about my mother’s birthday (which is *today*), but my mom’s 56th birthday does not inspire me to make fake tattoos like the flip front does.

And on that note: what do y’all think of the tattoo being my big-ass head, with a dialog bubble next to it which contains the word “FIF!” — funny, huh?

6. but do they come in Asian?

Date: Tue, 5 Jul 2005 11:18:17 -0700 (PDT)
From: Nadine
To: Jasmine
Subject: Re: amusing?

awwww… I can’t believe it’s only 12 days away. Nick and I are spending this afternoon taking care of all the last minute details. Happily, there are not all that many. Though it turns out that, if you look really really hard, you can see my cute white underwear through the dress, so I have to go buy some in Caucasian color. and some waterproof mascara, because i figure i’m pretty well guaranteed to cry.

as for duties, showing up is the big one. i may or may not ask you to read a short passage – i’ll probably know after today. we still need to finish up the ceremony plan. and since you’ve been in weddings before (and i haven’t) you can help run the rehersal [sp]. but really, the whole thing should be very simple, and mostly i just want you there to represent.

7. songs played at Kevin’s 30th birthday party that got people up and dancing (a partial list)

Aun Hay Mas, “Te Quiero Mas”
Madonna, “Dress You Up”
Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, “It Takes Two”
Sylvester, “Do Ya Wanna Funk”
Cajmere, “The Perculator”

PS: Ask Kathy how to do “the Perculator”. If you’d rather do the “Running Man” or the “Roger Rabbit”, ask Thom, or Damien. If you want to know how to do the “Cabbage Patch”, call me.

8. b*tches who have got to go

Karl Rove
whoever it was that greenlit “Britney & Kevin: Chaotic”

9. jacalyn was right

The Popeye Pocket at Pockets is good.

10. my favorite reality shows of the summer

Celebrity Fit Club 2 (Gary Busey vs. Jackee!)
Surreal Life 5 (so do we think Jose Canseco is hot?)
The Princes of Malibu (i can’t help it, i love watching stupid rich boys)
Bobby & Whitney (which I hope returns year after year after year)


[see item 6 above]



~ by Jasmine on July 13, 2005.

One Response to “362: letters”

  1. Yeah, that kid in the Trib was way too high on himself. And too pretty. And I bet he thinks he looks like Harry Potter. Or maybe Hermione.

    BTW, I linked to you. So check out my blog and see how long it takes you to figure out who I am. Hee!

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