it’s not you, it’s me

After five years as President of the University of Chicago, Don Michael Randel is leaving the University for a new gig as president of the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation.

Now, I had graduated a few years before Don moved into what I had always thought of as Hugo Sonnenschein’s house of style, but no doubt I will miss him as an alumna of that superfine institute of higher education. While I appreciate him giving ample notice so the University can find its next capitán, what I wanna know is: how do I get in on President-finding committee?

I want to sit at a long oak table, gavel in hand, ready to scream “I object!” to every unworthy candidate whose c.v. comes across my lap. Okay, so maybe that’s my fantasy if I ever got a guest-starring role on Law & Order, but whatevs. I’m a fantastic shopper — I have a critical eye, unsparing wit, and am notoriously cheap! I’ve also got some potential candidates, and in no particular order, here they are:

  • Martin Sheen: If he can be the president on “The West Wing”, why can’t he do it on the quads?
  • Voldemort: Yes, the dark lord himself from the Harry Potter books. Sure, he’d probably go crazy purging out all the students, faculty, and staff of multi-ethnic backgrounds, but imagine the charisma and organizational techniques he could bring to the GSB!
  • Michael Winterbottom: In 9 Songs, director Winterbottom documents a year in the lives of two skinny hipster kids as they go to rock shows and have graphic sex. If he can convince two total strangers to have actual sex on camera with their own bits and pieces (none of that stunt cock bullshit like in The Brown Bunny), he can surely work his magic on the stunted interactions and overcaffeinated mixers that have come to define “social life” for undergraduates at the University. Hey kids, let’s put the “stud” back in “study break”!
  • Anna Wintour: Does the devil wear Prada? Yes, but she’d look most fetching in maroon. Queen Anna would bring new life to the Core as she expands it past the reach of academia into the way students live. Hutch Commons would be replaced by nightclub impresario Amy Sacco’s first venture into Chicago nightlife, The Phoenix — table service of $300 bottles of Ciroc instead taking your meals from Pierce’s steam tables! Sport uniforms would be designed by Anna Wintour favorite Derek Lam! And in a brilliant masterstroke, the yellow school buses that take students all over Hyde Park would be replaced by a fleet of Lincoln Town Cars (none of that stretch limo yang — that’s for prom-goers and yokels).
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    ~ by Jasmine on July 27, 2005.

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